miss you

One year ago I didn't have a clue what was happening to you.
I was there, you were here, surrounded by people who love you, more than they could possibly say. But I wasn't here. I didn't knew it was time. I just saw you a few days earlier. You seemed fine. I left thinking I would see you again. I was wrong.
One year ago today, at night I couldn't sleep. I felt sick. And in the morning that feeling remained. It's like I knew.
Although you're the third one to leave, it hurts me even more. This time I was older and more involved. With them I was too young to really understand what it meant to never see them again. I think of them too, but it doesnt hurt anymore. With you it feels like something of me has left as well.
I hope you're safe.
I hope you're with them.
I hope.

Untill we meet again,
I'll miss you.

Scared

Scared is how I feel. Sad is what I am. Mean and sarcastic is how I act.
It hasn't been the first time that my feelings and my actions are miles apart, eventually hurting the people I love the most and discovering that the thing I'm so afraid of is happening because of my behavour.
Everything is changing so fast, too fast! And I can't deal with it. My legs are running to keep up, but in the end I trip and fall. I crash. I think and wonder and stand still, everything is passing by and I don't know what to do.
I'm so scared to loose everything I had. I already lost too much. My life is changing. A month ago I sad goodbye to something that was a part of me for 6 years. Something I chared for 4 years with my best. We've been trough a lot in those 4 years. And now I'm leaving and she's not. And then there's also this City. A city that will seperate me and my friends with a 2 and half hour trainride during the week. And although everyone is saying that changes are good. That it will be okay, that I'm going to be fine and that nothing will change between me and them. I can't help but wonder if I am strong enough. If the bound we have is strong enough to survive these changes. Are we still going to laugh at the same things? Are we still going to say what the other is thinking? Are we still going to do impulsive things? Are we still going to be there for each other, when we need each other the most? This all may seem like I'm giving up, but I'm not! I'm just wondering what will happen!? Only time can tell. (Hate that stupid cliché). In the meanwhile I'm hoping to find a way to deal with all this, so that everything isn't already lost before it all begins.

I just want to say to 'my people' (they know who they are): that I love you so much. I may not show it or say it. But I really do. I will try to be stronger so I won't hurt you again. Just don't forget that if there is one thing that I still believe in it's 'us'. I'm not ready to let go. I'm just scared. If only someone would understand.

Why do we believe?

Some people believe in family, others believe in friends, in some kind of god..
And then their are those who believe in love..
I was one of them, or am one of them, not really sure about that yet.
I didn't have the best example for relationships, I've seen my share of bad break-up's..
Spite of that, I believed. I believed everyone, including me, would find their love, grow old together, have pretty children and make an effort everyday to make it work. (Silly huh?) Now the only thing I see is couples fighting, couples rushing into living together or couples breaking-up after years of being their for each other.
How come we can go from love to hate in one day?
Realising this, makes me wonder why we still believe. Why are we so foolish? Why am I?
I lost my faith somewhere along the way. I even can't be honest about my feelings to my friends. The girl who once loved to hug and kiss her friends has died I guess..
I've been deceived, heartbroken and messed up. Maybe the last time was just too much?
He left and took a part of my believe with him.

27 days ago I was dreaming of my prince..
Today I'm sitting here, wondering if believing is still worth it.

ex-boyfriend friend

Why is it that men, after dumping you always say they want to stay friends?
It is complete bullshit I tell you!
They want to stay in touch and all the other crap they say.
But what they are really saying is something they think you want to hear.
Well boys next time just dump the girl and go away!
Why do you always leave us hanging in those fake promises?
Promises we smart girls know you can't keep.
It's the same with the phrase: "it's not you!" Meaning it is you!
Wake up boys, deal with the drama and be honest!
Unless you like a kick in the vital parts after a few weeks!!
And to that one man in particular: "if you want to be my friend, learn to accept te fact that for once I'm actually better than you in something!"

Boys don't want no drama.
We don't want no ex-boyfriend as a friend.

Every night

You have to be 22 years old to find out you're just a little child dreaming of her prince with his big white horse and a beautiful castle..
I thought I had found my prince, turns out he was nothing more than a regular boy who was just passing by, on my way.
He wasn't my prince, I know that now, but why is it silently killing me?
And if that isn't enough, my foolish mind pushed me into the arms of another.
Hoping this could eventualy be something. (not really knowing what 'something' is.)Only to find out my mind had deceived me. I played the game, thought I was tough. It's clear now that I'm not.I'm trying to convince myself I'm not waiting for the one, that my day will come and that I'm happy for now..
But inside I know that's not true..
Inside I'm that little girl, dreaming of her prince.
Every night.