Seven months ago my heart got broken, again..
A lot has happend in that time.
I had some experiences, tried some thing out, had fun with friends, went back to school, gave up, moved back home, got myself in a big mess, got some jobs,... in the meanwhile just trying to figure out how I feel.
Everything and everybody around me is changing. It feels like I'm standing still.
Two years ago I made a pact with myself that I had ten years to accomplish the things I want before I'm thirty. Silly I know.. But now, almost 3 years later I find that I've only accomplished one thing. And I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, I just feel alone these days. Everybody is making something of himself and I'm stuck figuring out what I want.. And the truth is, the only thing I want is something I don't believe in anymore.. I make myself believe I do, I obsess even, I listen to my friends and their stories and pretend it's all so great! Great for them it is. I'm happy for them. But for me, I'm wondering if I'll ever be on that road again.. These past seven months have been the worst. I learned that sometimes the knife cuts deeper than it seems. I got cut and I'm still healing.
And it turns out not believing turns into obsessing about something you're not even sure about in the first place.
I'll try to find my way,
in the meanwhile I'm in love with F5.
Time to refresh again!
december 29, 2008
december 17, 2008
november 25, 2008
Hurt
Hurt is different in every language,
in every culture,
in every age,
for every individual.
But the question we all ask us is:
"when does is stop hurting and become bearable?"
If it hurts since you can't remember and it keeps coming back, will it ever go away?
How much longer will I be able to take this?
There is nothing I can do, just sit and watch from a distance.
Because getting to close will get me into deep.
Do you know the feeling when you have a wound and it's healing and then you scratch it open again? The wound needs more time to heal and it sometimes leaves a scar.
At the moment it feels like if all the scars I collected over the years are cut open.
Cut open and bleeding, and I can't stop it..
in every culture,
in every age,
for every individual.
But the question we all ask us is:
"when does is stop hurting and become bearable?"
If it hurts since you can't remember and it keeps coming back, will it ever go away?
How much longer will I be able to take this?
There is nothing I can do, just sit and watch from a distance.
Because getting to close will get me into deep.
Do you know the feeling when you have a wound and it's healing and then you scratch it open again? The wound needs more time to heal and it sometimes leaves a scar.
At the moment it feels like if all the scars I collected over the years are cut open.
Cut open and bleeding, and I can't stop it..
november 10, 2008
november 09, 2008
Any other world
"I tried to live alone
But lonely is so lonely you know
So human as I am, I had to give up my defences
So I smiled and tried to mean it
To let myself let go"
oktober 09, 2008
Soul meets body
I want to live where soul meets body ,
And let the sun wrap its arms around me,
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing,
And feel, feel what it's like to be new.
Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station,
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations;
So they may have a chance of finding a place,
Where they're far more suited than here.
(DCfC - Soul meets body)
And let the sun wrap its arms around me,
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing,
And feel, feel what it's like to be new.
Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station,
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations;
So they may have a chance of finding a place,
Where they're far more suited than here.
(DCfC - Soul meets body)
september 17, 2008
I wish
I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See a liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I'd screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Tears and rain
Far, Far away;find comfort in pain
All pleasures the same: it just keeps me from trouble
Its more than just words; its just tears and rain
J.B.
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See a liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I'd screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Tears and rain
Far, Far away;find comfort in pain
All pleasures the same: it just keeps me from trouble
Its more than just words; its just tears and rain
J.B.
september 06, 2008
Human heart
"The human heart has hidden treasures
In secret kept, in silence sealed.
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures
Whose charms were broken if revealed."
In secret kept, in silence sealed.
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures
Whose charms were broken if revealed."
september 05, 2008
not over
I didn't know, you didn't hint, you didn't try to deceive me
You just leave me
You didn't call, you never phoned, you didn't say you were leaving.
You were busy.
You used to say it'd never end, you used to cry I can't leave you
I believed you
But I'm so sure this isn't you, but I don't know how to reach you
And I need to
You just leave me
You didn't call, you never phoned, you didn't say you were leaving.
You were busy.
You used to say it'd never end, you used to cry I can't leave you
I believed you
But I'm so sure this isn't you, but I don't know how to reach you
And I need to
augustus 21, 2008
miss you
One year ago I didn't have a clue what was happening to you.
I was there, you were here, surrounded by people who love you, more than they could possibly say. But I wasn't here. I didn't knew it was time. I just saw you a few days earlier. You seemed fine. I left thinking I would see you again. I was wrong.
One year ago today, at night I couldn't sleep. I felt sick. And in the morning that feeling remained. It's like I knew.
Although you're the third one to leave, it hurts me even more. This time I was older and more involved. With them I was too young to really understand what it meant to never see them again. I think of them too, but it doesnt hurt anymore. With you it feels like something of me has left as well.
I hope you're safe.
I hope you're with them.
I hope.
Untill we meet again,
I'll miss you.
I was there, you were here, surrounded by people who love you, more than they could possibly say. But I wasn't here. I didn't knew it was time. I just saw you a few days earlier. You seemed fine. I left thinking I would see you again. I was wrong.
One year ago today, at night I couldn't sleep. I felt sick. And in the morning that feeling remained. It's like I knew.
Although you're the third one to leave, it hurts me even more. This time I was older and more involved. With them I was too young to really understand what it meant to never see them again. I think of them too, but it doesnt hurt anymore. With you it feels like something of me has left as well.
I hope you're safe.
I hope you're with them.
I hope.
Untill we meet again,
I'll miss you.
augustus 19, 2008
Scared
Scared is how I feel. Sad is what I am. Mean and sarcastic is how I act.
It hasn't been the first time that my feelings and my actions are miles apart, eventually hurting the people I love the most and discovering that the thing I'm so afraid of is happening because of my behavour.
Everything is changing so fast, too fast! And I can't deal with it. My legs are running to keep up, but in the end I trip and fall. I crash. I think and wonder and stand still, everything is passing by and I don't know what to do.
I'm so scared to loose everything I had. I already lost too much. My life is changing. A month ago I sad goodbye to something that was a part of me for 6 years. Something I chared for 4 years with my best. We've been trough a lot in those 4 years. And now I'm leaving and she's not. And then there's also this City. A city that will seperate me and my friends with a 2 and half hour trainride during the week. And although everyone is saying that changes are good. That it will be okay, that I'm going to be fine and that nothing will change between me and them. I can't help but wonder if I am strong enough. If the bound we have is strong enough to survive these changes. Are we still going to laugh at the same things? Are we still going to say what the other is thinking? Are we still going to do impulsive things? Are we still going to be there for each other, when we need each other the most? This all may seem like I'm giving up, but I'm not! I'm just wondering what will happen!? Only time can tell. (Hate that stupid cliché). In the meanwhile I'm hoping to find a way to deal with all this, so that everything isn't already lost before it all begins.
I just want to say to 'my people' (they know who they are): that I love you so much. I may not show it or say it. But I really do. I will try to be stronger so I won't hurt you again. Just don't forget that if there is one thing that I still believe in it's 'us'. I'm not ready to let go. I'm just scared. If only someone would understand.
It hasn't been the first time that my feelings and my actions are miles apart, eventually hurting the people I love the most and discovering that the thing I'm so afraid of is happening because of my behavour.
Everything is changing so fast, too fast! And I can't deal with it. My legs are running to keep up, but in the end I trip and fall. I crash. I think and wonder and stand still, everything is passing by and I don't know what to do.
I'm so scared to loose everything I had. I already lost too much. My life is changing. A month ago I sad goodbye to something that was a part of me for 6 years. Something I chared for 4 years with my best. We've been trough a lot in those 4 years. And now I'm leaving and she's not. And then there's also this City. A city that will seperate me and my friends with a 2 and half hour trainride during the week. And although everyone is saying that changes are good. That it will be okay, that I'm going to be fine and that nothing will change between me and them. I can't help but wonder if I am strong enough. If the bound we have is strong enough to survive these changes. Are we still going to laugh at the same things? Are we still going to say what the other is thinking? Are we still going to do impulsive things? Are we still going to be there for each other, when we need each other the most? This all may seem like I'm giving up, but I'm not! I'm just wondering what will happen!? Only time can tell. (Hate that stupid cliché). In the meanwhile I'm hoping to find a way to deal with all this, so that everything isn't already lost before it all begins.
I just want to say to 'my people' (they know who they are): that I love you so much. I may not show it or say it. But I really do. I will try to be stronger so I won't hurt you again. Just don't forget that if there is one thing that I still believe in it's 'us'. I'm not ready to let go. I'm just scared. If only someone would understand.
juli 29, 2008
Why do we believe?
Some people believe in family, others believe in friends, in some kind of god..
And then their are those who believe in love..
I was one of them, or am one of them, not really sure about that yet.
I didn't have the best example for relationships, I've seen my share of bad break-up's..
Spite of that, I believed. I believed everyone, including me, would find their love, grow old together, have pretty children and make an effort everyday to make it work. (Silly huh?) Now the only thing I see is couples fighting, couples rushing into living together or couples breaking-up after years of being their for each other.
How come we can go from love to hate in one day?
Realising this, makes me wonder why we still believe. Why are we so foolish? Why am I?
I lost my faith somewhere along the way. I even can't be honest about my feelings to my friends. The girl who once loved to hug and kiss her friends has died I guess..
I've been deceived, heartbroken and messed up. Maybe the last time was just too much?
He left and took a part of my believe with him.
27 days ago I was dreaming of my prince..
Today I'm sitting here, wondering if believing is still worth it.
And then their are those who believe in love..
I was one of them, or am one of them, not really sure about that yet.
I didn't have the best example for relationships, I've seen my share of bad break-up's..
Spite of that, I believed. I believed everyone, including me, would find their love, grow old together, have pretty children and make an effort everyday to make it work. (Silly huh?) Now the only thing I see is couples fighting, couples rushing into living together or couples breaking-up after years of being their for each other.
How come we can go from love to hate in one day?
Realising this, makes me wonder why we still believe. Why are we so foolish? Why am I?
I lost my faith somewhere along the way. I even can't be honest about my feelings to my friends. The girl who once loved to hug and kiss her friends has died I guess..
I've been deceived, heartbroken and messed up. Maybe the last time was just too much?
He left and took a part of my believe with him.
27 days ago I was dreaming of my prince..
Today I'm sitting here, wondering if believing is still worth it.
juli 08, 2008
ex-boyfriend friend
Why is it that men, after dumping you always say they want to stay friends?
It is complete bullshit I tell you!
They want to stay in touch and all the other crap they say.
But what they are really saying is something they think you want to hear.
Well boys next time just dump the girl and go away!
Why do you always leave us hanging in those fake promises?
Promises we smart girls know you can't keep.
It's the same with the phrase: "it's not you!" Meaning it is you!
Wake up boys, deal with the drama and be honest!
Unless you like a kick in the vital parts after a few weeks!!
And to that one man in particular: "if you want to be my friend, learn to accept te fact that for once I'm actually better than you in something!"
Boys don't want no drama.
We don't want no ex-boyfriend as a friend.
It is complete bullshit I tell you!
They want to stay in touch and all the other crap they say.
But what they are really saying is something they think you want to hear.
Well boys next time just dump the girl and go away!
Why do you always leave us hanging in those fake promises?
Promises we smart girls know you can't keep.
It's the same with the phrase: "it's not you!" Meaning it is you!
Wake up boys, deal with the drama and be honest!
Unless you like a kick in the vital parts after a few weeks!!
And to that one man in particular: "if you want to be my friend, learn to accept te fact that for once I'm actually better than you in something!"
Boys don't want no drama.
We don't want no ex-boyfriend as a friend.
juli 02, 2008
Every night
You have to be 22 years old to find out you're just a little child dreaming of her prince with his big white horse and a beautiful castle..
I thought I had found my prince, turns out he was nothing more than a regular boy who was just passing by, on my way.
He wasn't my prince, I know that now, but why is it silently killing me?
And if that isn't enough, my foolish mind pushed me into the arms of another.
Hoping this could eventualy be something. (not really knowing what 'something' is.)Only to find out my mind had deceived me. I played the game, thought I was tough. It's clear now that I'm not.I'm trying to convince myself I'm not waiting for the one, that my day will come and that I'm happy for now..
But inside I know that's not true..
Inside I'm that little girl, dreaming of her prince.
Every night.
I thought I had found my prince, turns out he was nothing more than a regular boy who was just passing by, on my way.
He wasn't my prince, I know that now, but why is it silently killing me?
And if that isn't enough, my foolish mind pushed me into the arms of another.
Hoping this could eventualy be something. (not really knowing what 'something' is.)Only to find out my mind had deceived me. I played the game, thought I was tough. It's clear now that I'm not.I'm trying to convince myself I'm not waiting for the one, that my day will come and that I'm happy for now..
But inside I know that's not true..
Inside I'm that little girl, dreaming of her prince.
Every night.
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