miss you

One year ago I didn't have a clue what was happening to you.
I was there, you were here, surrounded by people who love you, more than they could possibly say. But I wasn't here. I didn't knew it was time. I just saw you a few days earlier. You seemed fine. I left thinking I would see you again. I was wrong.
One year ago today, at night I couldn't sleep. I felt sick. And in the morning that feeling remained. It's like I knew.
Although you're the third one to leave, it hurts me even more. This time I was older and more involved. With them I was too young to really understand what it meant to never see them again. I think of them too, but it doesnt hurt anymore. With you it feels like something of me has left as well.
I hope you're safe.
I hope you're with them.
I hope.

Untill we meet again,
I'll miss you.

Scared

Scared is how I feel. Sad is what I am. Mean and sarcastic is how I act.
It hasn't been the first time that my feelings and my actions are miles apart, eventually hurting the people I love the most and discovering that the thing I'm so afraid of is happening because of my behavour.
Everything is changing so fast, too fast! And I can't deal with it. My legs are running to keep up, but in the end I trip and fall. I crash. I think and wonder and stand still, everything is passing by and I don't know what to do.
I'm so scared to loose everything I had. I already lost too much. My life is changing. A month ago I sad goodbye to something that was a part of me for 6 years. Something I chared for 4 years with my best. We've been trough a lot in those 4 years. And now I'm leaving and she's not. And then there's also this City. A city that will seperate me and my friends with a 2 and half hour trainride during the week. And although everyone is saying that changes are good. That it will be okay, that I'm going to be fine and that nothing will change between me and them. I can't help but wonder if I am strong enough. If the bound we have is strong enough to survive these changes. Are we still going to laugh at the same things? Are we still going to say what the other is thinking? Are we still going to do impulsive things? Are we still going to be there for each other, when we need each other the most? This all may seem like I'm giving up, but I'm not! I'm just wondering what will happen!? Only time can tell. (Hate that stupid cliché). In the meanwhile I'm hoping to find a way to deal with all this, so that everything isn't already lost before it all begins.

I just want to say to 'my people' (they know who they are): that I love you so much. I may not show it or say it. But I really do. I will try to be stronger so I won't hurt you again. Just don't forget that if there is one thing that I still believe in it's 'us'. I'm not ready to let go. I'm just scared. If only someone would understand.