Supersize

Again I've proven myself I'm a complete failure!
I drawned myself in this selfpitty.. and walked my walk of shame..
If that wasn't bad enough I did the things that make me feel worse..
and above that I saw you today!
Perfect-, skinny-, young-, snobish- you.
Everything I'm not and more..

It was clear that you didn't knew who I was and that you weren't very friendly..
Or you're a good pretender..

Anyway, after seeing you my selfpitty has grown..
I'm so angry at myself right now!
Why do you have the power to make me feel like this?
I don't even know you at all. And it's shallow of me to say this but I'm never gonna like you. You will always be the one I envy.
You've got what I want but not what I need..
After all this time everything still hurts. How could I be so foolish.
What have I become? I'm apathic most of the time, scared, alone, not able to trust anything or anyone.. and above that.. I'm only interesting when having a few drinks.
Conclusion? I don't know.. just need to be fixed.


One advise to you: supersize the deal baby!

Dear you

The letter I'll probably never send..




Dear you,

this is the hardest letter I've ever written so far.
I'm not really sure how to say what I want you to know..
So here I go..

This thing we shared, was magical.. I remember being suprised that you were in love with me. I never thought someone like you would fall for a girl like me. But you did.
The first year we shared was great. We were so in love, we enjoyed every moment. I sometimes had my doubts, but you'd always find a way to make me feel better. But it turned out those moments always came back. There was always something making me feel sad. It got so bad that neither one of us knew what to do. Until that one evening. You were the one strong enough to make the decision. My heart broke.
I thought I knew what the real reason of our break-up was. Turns out it almost took me a year to find out....the real reason was me. I wasn't whole on my own. All I did was push you away. It hurts me so bad to know that now. It hurted me even more when I realised nothing has changed. Knowing that, it really breaks my heart seeing you. It's like reading your own diary, telling you, you're not happy.
I just need time for myself. Time to figure out what I want. Time to make me whole. But... I can't do that with you being so frequent in my life. I mean, we tried being friends. Maybe we will, someday. But for now I need the distance.

I love you.




Until I'm ready,

goodbye love.

Start over

After a break-up everybody says to you: "You will be Okay. There are plenty of fish in the sea. He didn't deserve you. You are better of without him." And I could go on for a while. There is nothing wrong with some peptalk. I tell it too.

But now a days I'm wondering:
Am I better of without him?
How many fish are there in the sea?
Where is that sea?
Didn't he deserve me?
Am I really okay?

I think I am not..
I miss something but I don't know what.
I don't have the energy to look for a new fish.
I don't even know where to start.
How do you start over?
Do I have to?

A guy in a movie once said: "Every woman has the exact love-life she wants".


So maybe I don't want one.

Game over

Two months ago I confessed playing a dirty game.
A dirty game I thougth, gave me closure.
It turned out, I just made me realise I'm still not over.
The weird part is, the game didn't make it worse.
I played the game, I liked it, but I got bored.
Perhaps I need a new toy to play with?
Perhaps I need a new game?
But what I really need is one last role of the dice that will get me to the finishline, pack up the gameboard, close the box and put it away as far as possible.
Two days ago the dice roled. The game is really over.

But okay, all gametalk aside. What pulled the trigger?
The fact that I'm still living in the between?
Or the fact that he's really moved one?
Or maybe the fact that after almost a year, he still makes me cry.
I don't know when or how I will be moving on.
The only thing I do know is I'm done, over and out, GAME OVER!




But where do I put the box?

Samantha who?

"Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game!"


Love is like a game we're all desperate to play.
We all create our own rules.
We win, we loose, we get lost and we are found.
We try to play the game right, but sometimes we slip and cheat.
We play nice and sometimes dirty..

I played dirty.. turns out this is what I needed to play right again.
Closure is something we all need when a game of love ends.
I found closure by playing a ‘dirty’ game.
A dirty game I thought would make it worse. But I'm fine..
I'm a little bitch even. I played like a boy. And I liked it!
Just hope it doesn't haunt me and bite me in the ass!

Maybe this is what I needed to draw the line, to turn the page and start over.
It feels like I can move on, and write a new chapter.
I'm not sure I'm all ready the old me again, but I'm getting closer.

Just hope I don't end up playing dirty everytime..
Samantha who?
Samantha me!