Dear you

The letter I'll probably never send..




Dear you,

this is the hardest letter I've ever written so far.
I'm not really sure how to say what I want you to know..
So here I go..

This thing we shared, was magical.. I remember being suprised that you were in love with me. I never thought someone like you would fall for a girl like me. But you did.
The first year we shared was great. We were so in love, we enjoyed every moment. I sometimes had my doubts, but you'd always find a way to make me feel better. But it turned out those moments always came back. There was always something making me feel sad. It got so bad that neither one of us knew what to do. Until that one evening. You were the one strong enough to make the decision. My heart broke.
I thought I knew what the real reason of our break-up was. Turns out it almost took me a year to find out....the real reason was me. I wasn't whole on my own. All I did was push you away. It hurts me so bad to know that now. It hurted me even more when I realised nothing has changed. Knowing that, it really breaks my heart seeing you. It's like reading your own diary, telling you, you're not happy.
I just need time for myself. Time to figure out what I want. Time to make me whole. But... I can't do that with you being so frequent in my life. I mean, we tried being friends. Maybe we will, someday. But for now I need the distance.

I love you.




Until I'm ready,

goodbye love.

Start over

After a break-up everybody says to you: "You will be Okay. There are plenty of fish in the sea. He didn't deserve you. You are better of without him." And I could go on for a while. There is nothing wrong with some peptalk. I tell it too.

But now a days I'm wondering:
Am I better of without him?
How many fish are there in the sea?
Where is that sea?
Didn't he deserve me?
Am I really okay?

I think I am not..
I miss something but I don't know what.
I don't have the energy to look for a new fish.
I don't even know where to start.
How do you start over?
Do I have to?

A guy in a movie once said: "Every woman has the exact love-life she wants".


So maybe I don't want one.

Game over

Two months ago I confessed playing a dirty game.
A dirty game I thougth, gave me closure.
It turned out, I just made me realise I'm still not over.
The weird part is, the game didn't make it worse.
I played the game, I liked it, but I got bored.
Perhaps I need a new toy to play with?
Perhaps I need a new game?
But what I really need is one last role of the dice that will get me to the finishline, pack up the gameboard, close the box and put it away as far as possible.
Two days ago the dice roled. The game is really over.

But okay, all gametalk aside. What pulled the trigger?
The fact that I'm still living in the between?
Or the fact that he's really moved one?
Or maybe the fact that after almost a year, he still makes me cry.
I don't know when or how I will be moving on.
The only thing I do know is I'm done, over and out, GAME OVER!




But where do I put the box?

Samantha who?

"Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game!"


Love is like a game we're all desperate to play.
We all create our own rules.
We win, we loose, we get lost and we are found.
We try to play the game right, but sometimes we slip and cheat.
We play nice and sometimes dirty..

I played dirty.. turns out this is what I needed to play right again.
Closure is something we all need when a game of love ends.
I found closure by playing a ‘dirty’ game.
A dirty game I thought would make it worse. But I'm fine..
I'm a little bitch even. I played like a boy. And I liked it!
Just hope it doesn't haunt me and bite me in the ass!

Maybe this is what I needed to draw the line, to turn the page and start over.
It feels like I can move on, and write a new chapter.
I'm not sure I'm all ready the old me again, but I'm getting closer.

Just hope I don't end up playing dirty everytime..
Samantha who?
Samantha me!

Obsessive little girl

Seven months ago my heart got broken, again..
A lot has happend in that time.
I had some experiences, tried some thing out, had fun with friends, went back to school, gave up, moved back home, got myself in a big mess, got some jobs,... in the meanwhile just trying to figure out how I feel.

Everything and everybody around me is changing. It feels like I'm standing still.
Two years ago I made a pact with myself that I had ten years to accomplish the things I want before I'm thirty. Silly I know.. But now, almost 3 years later I find that I've only accomplished one thing. And I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, I just feel alone these days. Everybody is making something of himself and I'm stuck figuring out what I want.. And the truth is, the only thing I want is something I don't believe in anymore.. I make myself believe I do, I obsess even, I listen to my friends and their stories and pretend it's all so great! Great for them it is. I'm happy for them. But for me, I'm wondering if I'll ever be on that road again.. These past seven months have been the worst. I learned that sometimes the knife cuts deeper than it seems. I got cut and I'm still healing.

And it turns out not believing turns into obsessing about something you're not even sure about in the first place.

I'll try to find my way,
in the meanwhile I'm in love with F5.
Time to refresh again!