"Mom, where is granny," he asked her.
"She's asleep," his 9 year old brother answered..
He went into her old bedroom and came back.
"She's not there."
"A. are you kidding me?" his mom answered this time..
"Granny is dead, you know that.."
"OOh! I'm sorry," he said surprised, "I completely forgot."

How much I would give to be my cousin's 7-year old son right now.
To continue with your life like nothing ever happend.
How fantastic would that be?

Again a new chapter in my life has started.
I'm at home again. Not knowing what I want to do in life..
Everywhere I look people are making choices in their life.
Wheater it's going a year abroad, going back to school or starting at a new job.
These people are moving forward.
Time is ticking away and my life passes by.
I'm living without reason.
Where are all my dreams?

Addict

My best friend told me about these fantastic books she was reading.
A story about a regular girl and a vampire who fall in love.
"So lame," I thought.
"Why on earth would people read a love story about a vampire?"
She convinced me to watch the movie of the first book with her.
And then it happend.
I was intruiged.
This wasn't some lame 'killing-people-and-drinking-their-blood'-story.
This was something 'real'.
Something that I, in a weird way, could find myself in.

I started reading the books. In two weeks I read the first three books.
Today I bought the fourth, and last one.

The main caracter, Bella -the ordinary girl- reminds me of myself sometimes.
She always compares herself to other people, thinking she isn't pretty, smart or funny.
But more so, she thinks her 'boyfriend' isn't good enough for her.
When he left her (because he thought she would be better of without him), she so quickly believed him when he was telling her he didn't love her anymore. (This was a lie of course.)
That right there is me.
I did the same, damn thing. Thinking I wasn't good enough.
And in the end I'd proven myself that I was right. But where did that bring me?

I've become this Christina-like person.
Someone who is afraid to show her true feelings.
No, not afraid, she just doesn't want to.
Because sharing your feelings equals being vonurable.
And that's not me anymore. Not in public that is.

This might sound stupid, but reading this book, reading a bout this magic, weird but pure lovestory makes me cry sometimes. I'm letting it get to me.
I'm losing my protective shield.. my comfort blanket, my hiding wall.
Even more stupid, I'm scared to read the last book. I know a few things that are going to happen. Things I've once wanted. Things I don't believe in anymore.
I've gone so far in this black hole.. I'm scared to come out of it.. I'm talking about a book like it's my own life. Like that is something I want too.
What if everything comes back again? What if I let my heart be foolish again?




It's a good thing, this all is fiction.

Supersize

Again I've proven myself I'm a complete failure!
I drawned myself in this selfpitty.. and walked my walk of shame..
If that wasn't bad enough I did the things that make me feel worse..
and above that I saw you today!
Perfect-, skinny-, young-, snobish- you.
Everything I'm not and more..

It was clear that you didn't knew who I was and that you weren't very friendly..
Or you're a good pretender..

Anyway, after seeing you my selfpitty has grown..
I'm so angry at myself right now!
Why do you have the power to make me feel like this?
I don't even know you at all. And it's shallow of me to say this but I'm never gonna like you. You will always be the one I envy.
You've got what I want but not what I need..
After all this time everything still hurts. How could I be so foolish.
What have I become? I'm apathic most of the time, scared, alone, not able to trust anything or anyone.. and above that.. I'm only interesting when having a few drinks.
Conclusion? I don't know.. just need to be fixed.


One advise to you: supersize the deal baby!

Dear you

The letter I'll probably never send..




Dear you,

this is the hardest letter I've ever written so far.
I'm not really sure how to say what I want you to know..
So here I go..

This thing we shared, was magical.. I remember being suprised that you were in love with me. I never thought someone like you would fall for a girl like me. But you did.
The first year we shared was great. We were so in love, we enjoyed every moment. I sometimes had my doubts, but you'd always find a way to make me feel better. But it turned out those moments always came back. There was always something making me feel sad. It got so bad that neither one of us knew what to do. Until that one evening. You were the one strong enough to make the decision. My heart broke.
I thought I knew what the real reason of our break-up was. Turns out it almost took me a year to find out....the real reason was me. I wasn't whole on my own. All I did was push you away. It hurts me so bad to know that now. It hurted me even more when I realised nothing has changed. Knowing that, it really breaks my heart seeing you. It's like reading your own diary, telling you, you're not happy.
I just need time for myself. Time to figure out what I want. Time to make me whole. But... I can't do that with you being so frequent in my life. I mean, we tried being friends. Maybe we will, someday. But for now I need the distance.

I love you.




Until I'm ready,

goodbye love.

Start over

After a break-up everybody says to you: "You will be Okay. There are plenty of fish in the sea. He didn't deserve you. You are better of without him." And I could go on for a while. There is nothing wrong with some peptalk. I tell it too.

But now a days I'm wondering:
Am I better of without him?
How many fish are there in the sea?
Where is that sea?
Didn't he deserve me?
Am I really okay?

I think I am not..
I miss something but I don't know what.
I don't have the energy to look for a new fish.
I don't even know where to start.
How do you start over?
Do I have to?

A guy in a movie once said: "Every woman has the exact love-life she wants".


So maybe I don't want one.